A Chinese girl who was adopted when she was 14 months old said online- -Asking adoptees to be grateful- is very hurtful.

For a long time, the sentiment that “adoptees should be grateful” has been prevalent within adoption-related organizations in the United States. However, many adoptees are now speaking out against this notion. Cosette Eisenhauer-Epp, who was adopted from Guangdong, China at just 14 months old by a white American family, argues that this perspective is harmful.

Recent investigations have revealed systemic adoption fraud by the Chinese and South Korean governments, raising global awareness about adoption issues. Against this backdrop, Eisenhauer-Epp and others are challenging the media and commentators who propagate the idea that adoptees should always express gratitude for their situations.

Eisenhauer-Epp, a co-founder of the online platform Navigating Adoption, collaborates with Sister of China, an organization with members who were adopted under China’s one-child policy. She recently launched a TikTok account to discuss how questions like “Do you feel grateful for being adopted?” can be deeply hurtful. Many adoptees resonated with her message, sharing their own experiences in response to her videos.

At 23 years old and a graduate student at the University of Texas at Arlington, Eisenhauer-Epp emphasized, “Just because I was adopted and had positive experiences doesn’t negate the negative emotions, struggles, and sense of abandonment that can be triggered at any moment.”

On September 5, 2024, the Chinese government announced a suspension of all international adoptions, raising concerns among many adoptees. Eisenhauer-Epp voiced these worries, stating, “This brings a lot of uncertainty for all adopted Chinese individuals. We don’t know how things will unfold next, or whether it will become harder for us to return to China to search for our birth parents. This truly complicates the experience for all adoptees; I believe that complexity is endless.”

Amanda Paul, a Korean adoptee raised by white parents and a program coordinator at the Adoptee Mentoring Society, echoed similar sentiments. She remarked, “I can’t think of any other group of trauma survivors who are told to be grateful for their traumatic experiences, especially those who have endured cultural insistence as adoptees.”

Paul pointed out that the notion of “gratitude” is deeply embedded in the adoption industry, a system that “produces” adoptees to meet the demands of government and adoption agencies, which are often more interested in finding “potential buyers” rather than focusing on the well-being of the children themselves.